Mmmmm, yeah.. I catch you. I dig what you're selling. I know... You think I'm the cats meow. You see me as the next Elvis or ... the next Juan Luis Pedro Phillip de Huevos Epstein. I appreciate that. I do. You ... huh? You want me to shut up? Ohh... Well, you don't have to be all nasty about it. Geez... Ok, well.. I should probably tell you a little bit about myself. I mean, it just wouldn't be very polite of me to invite you to my little playhouse here and not ramble on about my wonderful life. Hey.. this comes from the heart..
Yes, my name is Buck Naked. I was born in a little shack just outside Bedford Falls. My parents were honest, hard working circus clowns. Cotton Candy and Jack Daniels were all we had back then, so Ma and Pa did their best to raise a gifted child when they weren't "mixin' it up" in prison. I remember nights when Pappy would sit with me out on the porch. He'd stare for hours up into the Midnight sky. "Make Believe Bastard Child", he'd say. "Make Believe Bastard Child, someday this big, wide world will all be yours". I can still feel the lump in my throat, the tears in my eyes. "Try not to fuck it up".
I graduated from high school early; I was only 26 yrs old. I was the first member of my family to ever sit through all 12yrs of High School, let alone graduate. That was some party we threw that day! Ma and Pa took care of everything - spoons and needles for everyone! All 323 of my adopted Nigerian brothers and sisters were on hand. You'll forgive me if I get emotional. It was a little cramped in the trailer. Still, you can't contain love like that.
I had scholarship offers from all the big schools: Southwest Louisiana State Junior College, Northwestern Maine Eye Institute, Harvard University and Cambridge School of Beauty Therapy (long story). Thing was, I had no time for college. The world was my crack pipe and I had to take my puff. I said goodbye to the folks. It was difficult, what with having to wait for visiting hours and Pappy not believing I was his boy, but we cried and cried.
So... I may not have won that elusive anchor spot on TNN or developed a vaccine for the plague, but I'm confident that I have what it takes to succeed in life. In fact, Ma always said.. "Life is like a box of stale, used chocolates - yeah, you usually get screwed out of the damn cherry, but not always. Now go pour Mama a drink ". Uh, uh huh.
My name is Tom, but I go by Samantha. Ok, no.. not really. I brush my teeth. I shower. I sometimes drink salad dressing straight from the bottle. I don't have fleas or ticks. I think Heaven is a sea of Meyer's rum with rivers of Guinness and candy-apple orchards of cheesesteak sandwiches. Moby scores the soundtrack and Cosmic Gate handles the remix. Billie Holiday takes the stage nightly at Club Buddha, backed by Coltrane and Stan Getz. Tom Waits gets up and does his thing, though he's more concerned with where the waitress is with his drink. The girls ... they dance, unwrapped, like a slow motion breeze.
I need to .. I need .. I ..
I need to stop taking these blue pills. NURSE!
Films .. Cinema Paradiso, It's a Wonderful Life, Field of Dreams
Shows I Watch .. Curb Your Enthusiasm, Alias
Shows from the Past .. The Honeymooners, Twilight Zone, Northern Exposure
Playwrights .. Neil Simon, David Mamet, August Wilson
Play .. All these years later, it's still... Thornton Wilder's Our Town
Poets .. Pablo Neruda, Octavio Paz, Anne Sexton, Charles Bukowski
Poem .. Rimbaud's "A Season in Hell"
Authors .. Roald Dahl, Toni Morrison and John Irving
Artists .. Mark Rothko, Howard Hodgkin, Jackson Pollock
Art Genre .. Abstract Expressionism (especially the Color Field movement)
Singers .. Billie Holiday, Judy Collins, Emmylou Harris, Frank Sinatra
Songwriters .. Joni Mitchell, Tom Waits, Stephin Merritt, Beth Orton
Musicians .. Amon Tobin, Funki Porcini, Godspeed You Black Emperor, Beck
Musician of The Past 25yrs .. How could it be anyone else? Bruce Springsteen
Places .. Santa Barbara, Carmel/Big Sur, Mendocino, Block Island, New England
View .. from Nepenthe - a restaurant in Big Sur (800ft above the crashing surf)
Restaurants .. Give Buddha da SPICE!
Best Mexican .. La Superica, Santa Barbara (deliciously inexpensive gourmet tacos)
Best Cajun .. Heaven on Seven, Chicago (wondefully hot cajun food)
Best Italian .. Rosebud on Rush, Chicago (I miss this place)
Best Chinese .. Chinez, Irvine (some of the best Chinese I've had)
Best Persian .. Caspian, Irvine (great food and belly dancers!)
Best Brats .. Jody Maroni's, Irvine (best grilled brats I've ever tasted)
Best Steak .. The Flame, Chicago (their Peppercorn Steak is unreal)
Best Pizza .. It's a tie - Lou Malnati's (pan) and Ledo's (thin crust), Chicago
Best Fast Food Burger .. In and Out, CA
Best Fast Food Alternative to Burgers .. Daphne's Greek Cafe and Wahoo's Fish Tacos, CA
Best Hot Dog .. Nathan's (New York) and Gold Coast Dogs (Chicago)
Best Hot & Sour Soup .. Pei Wei, CA
Bars .. Nick's (Block Island), Iggy's (Chicago), Splashes (Laguna Beach)
Inspirational Source .. Emerson's essay on Self Reliance
Cologne .. Issey Miyake
Perfume .. I love the Victoria's Secret body lotions on a girl..
Suit .. I wear Joseph Abboud, but.. if I had $1300 to blow on a suit .. Armani
Ties .. Ermengeldo Zenga puts out the best ties, but Armani makes some nice ones
Vacation Memory .. Staying at The Breakers in Palm Beach as a kid..
Childhood Cartoon .. Speed Racer. Damn I wanted the Mach 5. Still do..
Snacks.. Tender beef jerky, granny apples, celery, peanuts
Smells .. Bakery, chlorine, coffeehouse, wildflowers, the sea
Quote .. "I'm not an enigma. I'm a contradiction" - from "Croupier"
